


Distraction

by StarsMadeinHeaven



Category: South Park
Genre: AU- Mysterion's identity is still a secret, Aged-Up Character(s), M/M, ManBearPig is involved, k2challenge18, stupid conspirancies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-09
Updated: 2018-06-09
Packaged: 2019-05-20 01:09:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14884757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarsMadeinHeaven/pseuds/StarsMadeinHeaven
Summary: Five times Mysterion kisses Kyle, and one time Kenny does.Or, the one when Mysterion climbs up through the window into Kyle's bedroom telling him he needs some kind of distraction, after Stan leaves for college.





	Distraction

**Author's Note:**

> This is my submission for the 2K fanfic challenge organized by our wonderful writer Townycod13. This fic had been laying half finished in my files for months, until I saw Townycod13's post and decided to give it a go. The whole conspiracy thing was inspired by the Fracture but Whole story-line, although I tried to keep it simple because that wasn't the primary aim of this fic. Anyway, I hope you'll like it, and, as always, comments and critiques are highly appreciated. Have fun!.

### Distraction

*1*

The streets were unnaturally silent and empty for a Friday night. All the bars and restaurants Kyle walked by gave off kind of a hollow, forsaken vibe; all the shops and pubs were ran by wretched vendors who wanted to please even more wretched patrons, like a ghost town ruled by chaos and disarray. 

Kyle had no idea where these thoughts came from. He blamed the alcohol circulating freely in his system. If his mother found out he had been drinking so much, she was going to flip a table, no questions asked. Kyle should have thought of it better, he should have crashed at Stan’s or something and not just call it a night and go home. If he had done that, he wouldn’t be here. If he hadn’t drunk so much, he would have turned left instead of right ten minutes before; but he had, and now he was completely lost. Drunk and lost, with twenty bucks in one pocket and his newest smartphone in the other. Kyle knew he fitted the profile of the perfect mugger’s victim, but he was too out of it to properly grasp this concept. 

Soon enough here he came, the mugger. Kyle raised his hazy eyes on the masked man standing in front of him: legs apart, right hand holding a gun, left one with palm facing upwards, fingers moving, motioning to give the money and all of his valuable possessions up. 

“Now, or I’ll shoot you, motherfucker!” 

Kyle immediately put his arms in the air, then thought of his newly bought smartphone in his pocket, his weekly allowance in the other, and lowered them back to the side:

“Fuck you, dude!” 

Kyle took a step back (hopefully without wobbling), furrowed his eyebrows and clicked his tongue to show his displeasure. 

“Fuck no,” Kyle slurred. “This is completely wrong. This is my money. I earned it. This is my phone, which I paid, with my money. You have no right to demand anything! I can’t simply hand something I worked so hard for, man! Stand aside. If you try anything funny, I’ll sue you”. 

“I’m not joking, kid,” the mugger said, cocked his gun and pointed the barrel between Kyle’s eyebrows. “Hand everything in your possession, or else-!” 

“Or else what?” a deep voice interrupted them. For a moment Kyle’s view of the mugger is completely covered by a dark cape flapping in front of his nose. Kyle watched fascinated as Mysterion, the town’s infamous vigilante, stood between him and the mugger. It’s his clue to get the fuck out of there, but Kyle stayed, his common sense completely dimmed by the alcohol. 

So that’s how Stan feels all the time, he thought, trying to focus on what was going on right in front of him. 

What happened next happened fast. Startled by Mysterion’s sudden appearance, the mugger pulled the trigger but missed. Mysterion suddenly attacked him and violently pushed his right arm to the side. The man, however, did not waste any time recovering from the shock and tried to punch the superhero in the face with his left fist. Mysterion ducked and violently kicked the man in the left knee, which bended backwards at an unnatural angle. The man screamed in pain, but his hold on the gun was firm and before Mysterion could pounce, he raised the pistol towards Kyle and shot again. 

Kyle had no idea what was going on. One minute he was standing, the next Mysterion was pushing him against the concrete, a hand on each side of Kyle’s head, covering his whole body with his. It lasted but a second, for Mysterion quickly rose to his feet again, pulled out a knife and stack it in the mugger’s right arm, making him finally loose his grip on the firearm. 

“Are you out of your fucking mind?” Mysterion shouted, turning to face Kyle, who was still spread over the asphalt trying to make sense of what he had just witnessed. “He could have killed you, Kyle, you fucking moron!” 

“What the hell…” Kyle mumbled, dragging himself into a sitting position. Mysterion grunted and helped him on his feet, and Kyle almost collapsed into Mysterion’s arms. 

“How do you know my name?” Kyle asked blinking at the mugger squirming on the ground in front of them.

“Come on, you are drunk,” Mysterion said instead, and if Kyle didn’t knew better he swore he heard fondness leak out from Mysterion’s usually harsh voice. He felt Mysterion’s right arm encircle his waist while the superhero put Kyle’s left arm around his own shoulders to hold Kyle steady. “I’ll take you home”.

“What about the mugger?” Kyle asked. 

“I’ll deal with him later,” Mysterion grunts, and together they started walking back the way Kyle had come. “Next time, though, don’t start trying to reason with a criminal. It’s not the safest way to go”.

“I need that money,” Kyle snapped. “You know how many hours delivering the fucking newspaper I had to go through to raise enough bucks to buy Stan a farewell gift? A whole deal, that’s how much. I couldn’t risk losing it all in one go because of a fucking loafer”.

“You’re unbelievable,” Mysterion muttered. “You could have gotten yourself killed for a stupid gift?” 

“I know you don’t give a damn, but Stan is my friend, my best friend actually, and he is leaving for fucking San Diego with his girlfriend in two days. Two!” Kyle exclaimed. “Who knows when I am going to see him next!”

“Knowing you, pretty soon,” Mysterion said. To say Kyle was shocked when the vigilante moved his head and slightly pressed his lips against his temple would be a huge understatement, but he had no time to react as Mysterion continued talking: “I’m glad you are still alive”. 

Kyle almost swore he recognized the voice. He opened his mouth to retort and-!

Suddenly, Kyle shoved Mysterion away from him, turned and puked his stomach’s contents on the floor. 

“I’m not going to drink anymore, I swear,” Kyle muttered and passed out in Mysterion’s arms again. 

The next morning he had no recollection of how he got back into his own bed. 

*2*

It wasn’t like Kyle and Stan weren’t going to see each other again, of course, but it was difficult to say goodbye, anyway. Wendy’s parents took their daughter aside to warn her all about the difficulties she was going to encounter in San Diego, while Randy and Gerald talked to each other watching the airplanes taking off from the big airport’s windows. Only Sharon seemed honestly moved by her son leaving South Park for college; she and maybe Kyle himself. Cartman and Kenny, on the other hand, didn’t look all that upset. 

“There is always Skype and stuff,” Stan had said, and Kyle had to admit his friend was right. There was no reason to feel sad, after all. He gave Stan his farewell gift out of Cartman’s and Kenny’s sight, sure that the two would start ripping on him for being too emotional. Stan thanked him with a hug, and Kyle watched his best friend and Wendy walk down the aisle to get on their plane. 

Later in the afternoon, Kyle would tell his parents and brother that everything was alright, that he didn’t feel like things would never be the same again. It was not Stan, Cartman, Kenny and him anymore. It was just that fatass, Kenny and him, while Stan and Wendy lived together in another city, miles away from them. Kyle had always thought he was going to be the one leaving for college first, but he hadn’t counted on Wendy’s strong will and Stan’s never-ending love for her. 

Kyle was supposed to follow his father’s footsteps, but he wasn’t sure if that was the right choice for him, despite being really good with speeches. Maybe he should have taken a sabbatical and go somewhere far away so that he wouldn’t have witnessed Stan and Wendy leave South Park for who knows how long. 

“Kyle”.

Kyle would never admit he had screamed when the deep voice suddenly pushed him out of his thoughts. He abruptly turned around towards his window and raised his eyebrows in surprise when he saw no other but South Park’s vigilante standing perilously on his window sill. Mysterion stared at him, his mouth a thin line, and slowly climbed into Kyle’s bedroom. 

“What the fuck,” Kyle said. Mysterion stood before him in all of his glory, and if Kyle didn’t know how dangerous the vigilante could be, he would have even laughed at the underpants over the suit and that blatant Batman ripped-off cape on the other’s shoulders. No one could really make fun of him, though, because Mysterion actually saved that crazy town more than once, fighting crime more than the police would ever do. Kyle would love to know who the man behind the mask was, but he didn’t dare to just walk over to him and take that mask off with his own hands just to see his face. 

“Kyle,” Mysterion said again, voice deep and dangerous. “I need your help”. 

“Is this a way to tell me I need to pay you back for saving me from that stupid mugger the other day?” Kyle asked, but Mysterion just snorted. 

“I just think you need a distraction,” Mysterion said, serious, and Kyle had to raise an eyebrow at that. 

“Are you stalking me?” Kyle asked, immediately on the defensive. “Did I break the law or something? Tell me that my dad is not trolling people on the internet again, I won’t stand it”. 

“I am not stalking you,” Mysterion said. 

“Then how do you know my name?” Kyle asked. “I don’t remember ever being properly introduced to you”. 

“I know a whole deal about everyone in South Park,” Mysterion simply retorted. 

“Is that so?” Kyle asked, looking completely unimpressed. “I bet we went to school together, is that it?”. 

“I’ve been watching you, Kyle,” Mysterion said. “You’re a smart guy, and that’s why I need your help”. 

Kyle stared at Mysterion. His eyes wandered over the dark mask on the other’s face, but Mysterion remained completely indifferent to Kyle’s enquiring stare. Finally, Kyle gave up.

“Fine,” Kyle said, intrigued by Mysterion’s fascination with him. Plus he actually needed the distraction, and who knew? Maybe by the end of this Kyle would the one to unmask Mysterion’s true identity. “What do you need?”

“I need intel,” Mysterion replied immediately. “Remember the guy that attacked you? He’s part of a much bigger organization of traffickers that made South Park their HQ”. 

“What are they trafficking with?” 

“Cats”.

“Cats,” Kyle repeats, unconvinced. 

“Cat’s urine, to be specific,” Mysterion said. 

“Not again,” Kyle mumbled pinching the bridge of his nose. 

“Cats are disappearing, Kyle, lots of them,” Mysterion said. “We have to stop them before this has repercussions on the entire South Park’s population”.

“Fine,” Kyle agreed. “I guess you want to know why they need all that pee for. A huge amount of it on the black market cannot go unnoticed, so if the police and the press didn’t sense something out of the ordinary yet, it means they are somehow involved. The question is why?” 

Mysterion smiled. 

“I knew I could count on you,” he said. Kyle looked up at him and jumped when he suddenly found the vigilante standing just an inch farther away from him. He had not noticed Mysterion approaching him, and now that he was so close, Kyle could smell of the sweat and dried blood coming from the other’s suit. 

“What’s in for me?” Kyle asked, trying to catch a glimpse of Mysterion’s eye color. “I mean, is this really a way to pay you back for saving me?”

“I just did my job,” Mysterion said. 

“Fine, but this is not mine,” Kyle said, slyly, “so what’s in for me?” 

“What do you need?” Mysterion asked, and Kyle felt like smiling when Mysterion’s lips twitched slightly upwards. He did not.

“I want to know who you are,” Kyle said.

“Can’t do,” Mysterion retorted. “It’s for your own safety”. 

“Okay, what about telling me what your superpower really is,” Kyle prodded. 

“Well, I can’t die,” Mysterion said, completely serious, and Kyle snorted in amusement. 

“I get it,” Kyle said raising his hands up, “no unveiling dark secrets to me”. 

Mysterion remained unperturbed. Kyle stared at him, wondering what was going on in the other’s head, and gasped when Mysterion’s suddenly took his hand and gently pressed his lips to Kyle’s knuckles. 

“We’ll keep in contact, then,” Mysterion said dropping Kyle’s hand as if nothing had happened and turning around towards the window again. Kyle watched the other literally jump down from the window but when he looked down the road to see where the other went, Mysterion was gone. 

*3*

When Kyle first started investigating, he didn’t know he was going to have so much fun with it. He assumed that the long hours he would spend on the internet would drive him mad. He assumed that people would start suspecting he was up to something the moment he started tailing police officers and drug dealers. He assumed that Cartman or Kenny would immediately sense that something was off, but nothing of the above happened. Searching for Intel helped him take his mind off of things, following suspicious criminals made him feel like a kid playing superhero again, it immensely satisfied him being so close to danger but being able not to get caught, and Cartman not giving a damn how he spent his afternoons was just further confirmation to the fact they hated each other’s guts. Kenny, on the other hand, had always been the most observant of the four, so Kyle was quite surprised when the blond never brought up Kyle’s strange behavior. Could it be he was such a good spy? 

Whatever the case, Kyle slowly started feeling more and more at ease being Mysterion’s informant. He liked having something to work on and gathering evidence to support his theories, and so far he was doing a pretty good job at it. Moreover, South Park being South Park meant that this whole cat trafficking was no boring case. Thanks to Mysterion’s own info, Kyle managed to form an objective opinion on the matter. 

Traffickers had been purposely called in South Park with the task of providing the population with the easiest drug to make: cat’s urine. The purpose was to increase criminality in their small mountain town. According to some police officers _someone_ was going to be the hero of South Park by the end of the month, and that someone might very well be one of the new officers on duty. Of course, there weren’t a lot of cats in town, so Kyle checked in all the pet shops and animal shelters if there was some cat-trading market anomaly. There was: all the animal shelters started accommodating increasing numbers of cats coming directly from Denmark. There were a lot of unanswered questions, of course, but Kyle was confident they were going to get to the bottom of it soon. 

“The most important thing we need to find out,” Mysterion said, sitting on Kyle’s window sill as if he owned the room, “is who is hiding behind all of this”. 

Kyle observed Mysterion, sitting comfortably on his office work chair. The mysterious man intrigued him, but he really couldn’t put his finger on the why he did. Mysterion’s cape flapped slightly in the soft breeze, and Kyle wanted nothing more than to pull it off and finally unmask him. 

“There are going to smuggle in Danish cats tonight,” Kyle said. “In Park and co. Animal Shelter. We should go. Maybe the head of this whole mess is there supervising”. 

“Good idea,” Mysterion said. “But you stay here”.

“Nuh-uh,” Kyle immediately retorted. “I’m coming with you”.

“It could be dangerous, Kyle,” Mysterion immediately argued. 

“Listen, if you plan to convince me by telling me you have regeneration powers and I don’t, save your breath because I don’t believe in that shit. You might need help, so I’m coming. We don’t need to fight anyway; we just need to see that guy’s face”.

“Very well,” Mysterion conceded, heaving a frustrated sigh. 

When Kyle first started investigating, he didn’t know things could end so badly. He would have never thought that Al Gore, dressed up as ManBearPig, would be barking orders at drug dealers surrounded by knocked out fat cats, or that the new Chief Commissioner would be there too, drugged to the gills, and would start firing at them at will. The shooting created a chain reaction: cats woke up alarmed and started attacking the criminals, the Chief Commissioner fired at a petrol can that someone brought to the animal shelter for who knows what reason, and then there was explosions and cats running about and criminals shouting and sirens blaring and Mysterion wounded by a bullet. 

That last part was what scared Kyle the most. They managed to get out of that hell unscathed, and Kyle silently thanked whatever deity that gave him the strength to drag Mysterion into his dad’s car and drive them both safely back home. Fortunately neither his parents nor his brother would be home until very late, so Kyle could slam doors and tear the whole place apart in search of bandages without worrying for his mother freaking out because of it. 

“Don’t worry, Kyle, it’s just a scratch,” Mysterion grunted, holding his wounded leg, which was copiously bleeding, if one had to judge by the large black stain around the spot in the torn off suit. 

“Just a scratch!” Kyle exclaimed in panic. “Do you see the blood there?” 

Mysterion was strangely calm about it, and Kyle soon realized that this was nothing in comparison to what the vigilante had to go through during his whole antihero career. When Mysterion pulled the cloth up to his knee level, Kyle had to admit it was indeed just a scratch. The bullet had injured the skin, but the blood was not as much as Kyle first supposed to. 

“It could get infected,” Kyle reasoned. 

“I’ll survive,” Mysterion said, bitter. Kyle shot him a disapproving look. 

“If you washed your suit once in a while I could have seen it wasn’t a deep wound after all,” Kyle snapped. “You reek of blood, and that’s not healthy. I’m sure that’s why you don’t care about dying so much. You stink of it!” 

“And what should I do, Kyle?” Mysterion spat back. “Should I take a bubble bath just to make you feel better? Get it into your head: this is what I have to go through every night. There’s not time to play with rubber ducks”. 

“Let’s change that. The bathtub is all yours,” Kyle said standing up and dragging Mysterion upstairs. “Go get clean so we can finally see that new wound of yours”. 

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Mysterion asked, annoyed. 

“No!” Kyle exclaimed, pushed Mysterion into the bathroom and closed the door behind him. 

Ten minutes later, Kyle realized that Mysterion might need some clean towels after he was done and he was so used to have Mysterion around that he barged into the bathroom without knocking the door first. What he saw made him roll his eyes to the ceiling. 

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Kyle asked, making a good impression of Mysterion’s previous outburst. 

“What?” 

“You keep that thing on even when you’re bathing?” Kyle asked, annoyed, staring at Mysterion splashing in the bathtub naked from the neck down, mask on and hood on his head. Kyle massaged his temples gently and put the clean towels next to Mysterion. He picked up Mysterion’s dirty suit from the floor and reached out to take Mysterion’s hood off. 

Mysterion grabbed his hand before Kyle could get too close.

“I’ll put everything in the washing machine,” Kyle explained. “You’ll have it back in an hour”.

“Don’t push your luck, Kyle,” Mysterion growled, digging his nails into the skin of Kyle’s wrist. 

“Stop it,” Kyle barked, kneeling down next to the bathtub and Mysterion let him go as if burned. 

“I’m not taking the hood off,” Mysterion said. 

“You look ridiculous,” Kyle retorted, and then shot a look at the dirty water against his will. “You are practically swimming in a blood bath!”

When Mysterion burst out laughing, Kyle couldn’t believe his ears. He immediately snapped to attention and looked at Mysterion, fascinated, swearing he had heard that laughter somewhere before. Mysterion sincere smile made shivers run down Kyle’s spine, and it took him all his self-will not to do something extremely awkward and stupid. 

“How’s your leg?” Kyle asked, furrowing his eyebrows when the words came out of his mouth like a broken whisper. 

“I told you it’s just a scratch,” Mysterion said, softly, the harshness of his voice gone. 

“You need bandages anyway,” Kyle said, forcing himself to look at Mysterion in the eyes. He was so close he could finally see their true color: blue like the summer sky. Despite being hidden behind a mask, Kyle knew Mysterion had beautiful eyes. 

“It’s quite relaxing being in here,” Mysterion said, unexpectedly. “I can even pretend to be a normal human being”.

“But you are a normal human being behind that mask,” Kyle said before he could think his words over. Mysterion’s eyes were back on him in an instant, and Kyle realized it was time to leave the vigilante alone. “Let me take the cape so I can wash it along with the rest of your suit,” Kyle added after a long moment of silence. “I’ll close my eyes, see?” Kyle said and shut his eyelids as if to prove his point. 

He heard the sound of splashing, but Kyle kept his eyes closed as Mysterion got out of the bathtub and helped Kyle on his feet. 

Kyle didn’t know what would happen next, but the last thing he expected was to feel a pair of lips press against his own. It lasted but a moment, but Kyle was out of breath anyway. Suddenly he felt something heavy on his head. He opened his eyes on reflex, but the world had turned completely black. Mysterion had dropped his hood on Kyle’s head and was now pushing the redhead out of the door. Kyle managed to take the cloth out of his eyes only when he was back in the hall. Mysterion shut the door again. 

“Put my suit in front of the bathroom door when it’s done, and go to sleep, Kyle,” Mysterion shouted from the other side. Kyle was too stunned to argue. He softly pulled the hood down and stared at Mysterion’s dirty suit in his arms. 

At least he had figured something out. He had seen enough of Mysterion’s body to know that he was a natural blond. 

*4*

“Hey, Earth to Kyle, Earth to Kyle!” Kenny exclaimed waving a hand in front of Kyle’s face. 

“W-what?” 

“It’s no fun playing alone, Kyle,” Kenny said rising his joystick in the air. “It takes two to win this game”.

“Sorry,” Kyle mumbled, fixing his gaze back on the screen in front of him. He stared at his character standing like a freak in the middle of a battlefield and wondered what he was supposed to do with him. 

“What’s gnawing you?” Kenny asked starting to kill zombies again. Kyle tried to keep up with him, but he couldn’t focus on the game anymore. Maybe it was the summer heat, or maybe it was because the game was not that good. Kyle kept thinking of Al Gore, of cats, of Mysterion slightly pressing his lips against his. He had no idea what he did that for, but what surprised him the most was that he wouldn’t mind him doing it again. 

“You’re doing it again,” Kenny warned him, chuckling in amusement. “Is our lil’ Kyle in love?” he mocked him making kissy noise at him. 

“Dude!” Kyle exclaimed slamming the joystick down on the small space dividing them on the couch. “It’s just so hot”.

“I didn’t know you were into zombies,” Kenny joked, and Kyle’s felt his face burn. “Or is it just me?” Kenny asked, smile wide, and Kyle stared at Kenny’s mouth as if it had somehow offended his intelligence. 

“The weather is hot, dude,” Kyle said. “The weather,” he repeated for good measure. Kenny put his own joystick down, and now their characters stared at each other like morons in the middle of the screen. Kyle glanced at Kenny, watched him as the latter ran his fingers through his messy blond hair. 

“You miss him, don’t you?” Kenny asked, strangely tender, and Kyle’s eyes widened in wonder. His heart started beating fast in his chest but it was only when Kenny said Stan’s name that Kyle finally relaxed. 

“It’s not like he left forever,” Kyle replied. 

“Yeah, well,” Kenny said with a shrug. “You were best friends. It’s normal for you to miss him”.

“You are my friend too,” Kyle immediately reassured him, but Kenny shrugged again. 

“It’s not the same,” Kenny said. 

“That’s not true, man, and you know it,” Kyle declared following Kenny with his eyes as he stood up from the couch and stretched his arms in the air. “Hey, Kenny,” Kyle called him, standing up as well, feeling a little bit too hot under the collar. “Do you want to eat some ice-cream? I have some in the freezer,” he said making a bee line to the kitchen without looking at his friend. 

“Why don’t we go to the swimming pool instead?” Kenny proposed, making Kyle still. “Today’s it’s the perfect day for a swim”. 

“Yeah, why not,” Kyle said turning on his heels. Kenny’s lips stretched into a smile, and Kyle had no power over the smile that grew on his own face. He was grateful for the distraction, and when Kenny started listing all the kind of boobs one can spot in a swimming pool, Kyle forgot all about Mysterion and the cat traffickers. 

(But did he really? Swimming in the water with that strong smell of chlorine, racing to get to the springboard first, Kenny’s body, and Kenny’s Band-Aid on his right leg reminded him of Mysterion. When asked, Kenny said: “A stray cat scratched me on my way home the other day” and Kyle thought of cat urine). 

After taking a shower later in the evening, Kyle was in a really good mood. If he didn’t know Ike could hear him from his room, Kyle would have even started singing. He stepped into his room with just a towel around his waist and almost jumped back in fear when he realized Mysterion was sitting comfortably on his bed, waiting for him. 

“What the fuck, dude!” Kyle exclaimed, trying to calm down his racing heart. 

“Payback for seeing me naked,” Mysterion said. 

“Was that a joke?” Kyle asked, amused. “I didn’t know Mysterion could joke”.

“I can joke,” Mysterion deadpanned. 

“I had to see it to believe it,” Kyle said and felt suddenly very self-conscious under the other’s scrutinizing stare. “Do you mind?”

“Not at all,” Mysterion said, but when he didn’t show any sign that he was going to look away, Kyle rolled his eyes to the sky and got dressed despite Mysterion watching him. 

“I caught ManBearPig,” Mysterion said when Kyle was done. “He was hiding near the public swimming pool”. 

“What?” Kyle exclaimed. “Where is he now?” 

“Tied up to the tree behind your house,” Mysterion said. 

“For fuck’s sake,” Kyle breathed out. “What if my mom sees him? Quick, we have to take him to the garage. My family is watching TV right now, they won’t notice us!” 

“I’m on it,” Mysterion said and jumped out from Kyle’s window. Kyle grabbed a recording device just in case and tiptoed down the stairs. Ike was playing with his phone while his parents watched TV, so Kyle was one hundred percent sure no one was going to notice him sneaking away. He was one hundred percent wrong. 

“Where are you going, Bubbie?” 

Shit. 

“Err…” Kyle muttered. “Kenny forgot something, and I need to take it back to him. I’ll be right back”.

“It’s really late,” Sheila said. “Can’t you take it to him tomorrow?”

“No, he’s already here, and it’s… it’s important,” Kyle lied. 

“Can’t you see that Kyle wants to secretly make out with his boyfriend?” Ike asked, not raising his eyes from his phone. “Let him go, mom”.

“Don’t tease your brother, Ike,” Sheila reprimanded him.

“Take the garbage out while you’re at it!” Gerald exclaimed, his eyes glued on the screen. Grateful for the distraction, Kyle sneaked out of the door before Sheila could start bombarding him with questions. 

Mysterion was already in the garage, and Kyle made sure the doors were perfectly closed before he approached Al Gore’s knocked out body. 

“We have to interrogate him,” Kyle said. 

“On it,” Mysterion replied and kicked ManBearPig hard in the stomach. The guy woke up with a start and looked at them with eyes wide with fear. Kyle switched the recorder on for good measure and kneeled down in front of the man. 

“We know what you’re up to,” Mysterion said. “We know everything about the cats. So spill the beans now and we won’t hurt you”. 

“You are making a big mistake here!” ManBearPig exclaimed. “It’s not me you need to interrogate!”

“But you were the one dealing with traffickers the other day,” Kyle said. “So don’t say you are not involved, because we know you are”.

The man sobbed.

“So what’s the deal?” Mysterion asked aggressively, but the man just sobbed louder. “Speak, for fuck’s sake!” he shouted and kicked the other in the nuts. 

“This is not going anywhere…” Kyle muttered. 

“You have caught the wrong man!” Al Gore cried. “It’s ManBearPig you have to kill!”

“You are ManBearPig!” Kyle exclaimed. “Let’s not start this again. There is no scientific evidence of a creature half man half BearPig-!”

“Half man, half bear and half pig,” Al Gore interrupted him. 

“Whatever!” Kyle exclaimed. “You dress up like this creature and pretend to be him!”

“It’s not true!” the man sobbed. “ManBearPig is real! People would start believing me only when the price of cat’s urine on the black market increases! That’s what Mitch Conner told me! If I helped him out, he said, South Park will finally see the truth and together we can finally kill that evil creature once and for all!”

“Mitch Conner?” Mysterion asked, shooting a glance at Kyle, who shrugged.

“What does the price of cat’s urine has to do with ManBearPig?” Kyle asked, honestly confused.

“Expensive drugs mean high demand, and high demand means high criminality rates. ManBearPig is a criminal first and the evil spawn of Satan second. People know that, so they will know ManBearPig is behind the drug trafficking and will start fearing him for who he really is!”

“Does the police know ManBearPig is behind all of this?” Kyle asked, shushing Mysterion when the latter turned to look at him in disbelief. 

“You believe me?” Al Gore asked, eyes bright with hope. Kyle massaged his temples.

“Yes, yes,” he said. “So?”

“The new Chief Commissioner is going to arrest ManBearPig and put an end to drug trafficking with the help of Mitch Conner. The two will then become heroes of South Park!” Al Gore exclaimed. “So we are all winners in this, see?”

“This guy’s nuts,” Mysterion muttered turning his back to the two of them and picking the recorder up. He switched it off and looked at Kyle again. “We have to take this somewhere safe”. 

The sudden sound of a pistol being loaded made them both jump back in fear. Mysterion and Kyle snapped their heads towards Al Gore and stared at the gun pointed in the vigilante’s direction. 

“Give me the recorder!” the man ordered looming over the coil of ropes at his feet. 

“You bastard!” Kyle exclaimed, and the gun was suddenly pointed at him instead. Mysterion immediately grabbed his opportunity and attacked. The gun went off and Kyle ducked behind his dad’s car just in time. ManBearPig loaded the gun again, but it jammed, giving Mysterion plenty of time to spring into action and disarm him for good. 

When Mysterion had the man tied up again, Kyle angrily marched over to Al Gore and punched him straight in the nose, knocking the other out immediately. 

“Don’t threaten me with a gun ever again, you asshole!” Kyle shouted and kicked the other in the shin for good measure.

“He can’t hear you. He’s out cold,” Mysterion said, amused. 

“Oh, don’t get me started!” Kyle exclaimed. “How could you not see he had cut the ropes, huh? Couldn’t you search him and check that the ropes were tight enough before we interrogated him?” 

“I underestimated him,” Mysterion simply said.

“That’s a first,” Kyle snapped. “It’s easy for someone like you to underestimate people! Guess what, Mysterion, you are not immortal and neither am I! People can get hurt, and I care about you too much to just stand there and watch some wannabe criminal crack your head open!” 

When the words came out, Kyle took a step backwards, surprised by his own sincerity. He looked up at Mysterion, who was staring at him as if he had completely lost his mind. The latter’s mouth opened and closed like a fish out of the water, but it was Kyle who suddenly felt out of breath. 

“What did you say?” Mysterion asked, a low whisper, and Kyle could swear he knew that voice. Something in his soul screamed Mysterion’s name, but Kyle didn’t want to listen. His heart started beating frantically in his chest, and he clenched and unclenched his hands as if he had no idea what to do with them. 

“You heard me,” Kyle finally spoke, resolute. 

When the vigilante abruptly grabbed Kyle by the shirt and slammed their mouths together, Kyle didn’t mind kissing him back just as eagerly. The adrenaline in his blood increased, reaching its peak force when Mysterion moved his mouth on his neck. Since he became Mysterion’s informant, Mysterion had managed to bring out a side of him that Kyle didn’t know existed. Kyle hated mysteries; he hated having nothing to blame for his mishaps, and now he was attracted to a mystery he couldn’t blame for anything in the world. Mysterion would never deserve it. Kyle could fill a whole list of things he wouldn’t have done if it wasn’t for Mysterion and the danger that resulted from working with him. Moaning because South Park’s vigilante sensually sucked his lips was one of them. 

“Bubbie, are you there? What was that strange sound?” 

Mysterion suddenly shoved Kyle away and immediately kneeled down to the unconscious man’s body, swiftly picking him up from the floor and onto his shoulders. Kyle stared at him with half-lidded eyes and when his mom shouted his name again, Kyle slapped his face to force himself out of his reverie.

“Coming!” Kyle shouted back. 

“I’ll deal with him,” Mysterion said, and Kyle nodded, leaving the door open and running back inside his house. Sheila was standing by the back door and raised an eyebrow when Kyle pushed her inside the kitchen, trying to straighten up his shirt at the same time. Ike was waiting for them in the kitchen and smirked when the two stepped in. 

“See, mom?” he asked. “That’s a hickey right there”.

“Where?” Sheila asked narrowing her eyes, but Kyle was up the stairs before she could look at him properly.

*5*

Who would have thought Barbrady would save the day? Kyle had no idea why Mysterion took the recorder to him of all people, but he wasn’t going to complain. Not when Barbrady accidently shot the new Chief Commander in the arm, revealed the whole cat trafficking to the public and helped get ManBearPig arrested (even if it was because he hadn’t paid 20 fines in the last three months). Drag dealers suddenly didn’t feel safe in South Park anymore and fled. The boss of this whole conspiracy, though, the man named Mitch Conner, disappeared and was out of the picture as if he had never been a real person in the first place. 

“There are things I have to do before this case is definitely closed, of course. Unmasking this Mitch Conner being one of them,” Mysterion said, “but we can already say that things are getting back to normal again”. 

“As normal as they can be in South Park,” Kyle commented. 

“Good point”. 

Kyle stared at him from his place on his bed. Mysterion paced in the room, and Kyle wanted nothing more than grasp his arm and pull him to lie down next to him. 

“So my job here is done,” Kyle said, heaving a sigh. Mysterion suddenly stopped walking; their eyes met, and Kyle smiled at him. “Even if we have risked dying more than once, it was fun working with you, Mysterion”. 

“You are a good informant,” Mysterion said, “but you are not sanctioned for field duty”.

“Well, I am not good at parkouring as you, but-!” Kyle immediately argued. 

“No, Kyle,” Mysterion declared, and Kyle shut his mouth again. They remained silent for a couple of moments, until Kyle decided to speak again. 

“You know, I think you could have solved the case without my help,” Kyle said. “It’s not like I am a better hacker than you, or a better snitch. You weren’t lying when you said you wanted my help because I needed a distraction, were you?” 

Mysterion’s mouth remained tightly shut. 

“So you know about my best friend leaving for San Diego,” Kyle muttered. 

“You told me that yourself,” Mysterion said. “You were drunk, remember?” 

“Yeah…” Kyle sighed. 

“I want to keep working with you,” Mysterion admitted suddenly, and Kyle’s eyes fixed on the man standing tall in the middle of his bedroom. 

“I wish you would tell me who you really are,” Kyle whispered, but before Mysterion could argue, Kyle continued: “It’s okay, you don’t need to tell me”. 

Mysterion watched as Kyle stood up from his bed and approached him, halting mere inches away from him. Kyle looked into Mysterion’s blue eyes, raised his hand to Mysterion’s mask, and when the other didn’t make any move to stop him, Kyle lowered his hands again. 

“At first I supposed we were in the same basketball team, because you are very… athletic,” Kyle said. “But I disregarded this theory soon after, because most of them are black and the only blond in the team is a whole deal taller than you”. 

Mysterion’s gaze was fixed on him, his breath caressing Kyle’s cheeks at regular intervals. The redhead studied his masked face; then let his eyes wander over to his hood down to the cape almost touching the floor. Suddenly, the vigilante gently tilted Kyle’s chin upwards, and Kyle snorted when their eyes met again. 

“Do you always hit on your informants?” Kyle joked. The tension between them was becoming too much to bear and Mysterion’s unwillingness to speak did wonders for his mood. 

“So do you want to keep working with me?” Mysterion asked. 

“I thought that was a given,” Kyle promptly replied, and Mysterion traced the angry line that had formed between Kyle’s eyebrows with a gloved finger. 

“What are you angry about, now?” Mysterion asked. 

“Will you ever tell me?” Kyle probed back. 

“I find it hard to believe you still didn’t figure it out,” Mysterion said, leaned down and kissed Kyle on the lips. Kyle’s eyes fluttered closed, and he suddenly felt cold when Mysterion pulled away and left him alone in the room again. 

*Plus 1*

“Hey, dude, what’s up?” Stan greeted him, his face taking up almost half of the screen. Kyle saw a glimpse of blue and heard Stan’s ragged breathing and a dog barking. 

“You bought a dog?” Kyle asked, chuckling in amusement, while Stan tried to balance the phone in one hand whilst holding the leash with the other. Kyle got a glimpse of three tails wagging and burst out laughing when Stan temporarily put his phone down on the asphalt to talk to his dogs, giving Kyle a nice view of Stan’s pants embellished with dog slobber. 

“Dog-sitter,” Stan said picking his phone back up. “Best job ever, dude!” 

“So you’re having fun in San Diego?” Kyle asked. 

“Yeah…” Stan breathed. “Despite some reservations I had in the beginning… you know I never thought I was going to give in and go to college. That was supposed to be you!”. 

“I know,” Kyle said. Once again Stan almost dropped his phone, and Kyle felt something stir in his chest when San Diego’s sky filled his screen, a nice shade of blue. 

“So, how’s South Park?” Stan asked. 

“Same old, same old,” Kyle muttered with a smile. “Quite boring, actually”. 

“No alien abductions?” Stan laughed. “No weird cults trying to rule the town? No civil wars between boys and girls at South Park elementary?” 

“Nope”. 

“Dude, you have to come visit me then!” Stan exclaimed. “And Kenny too, if he likes. Don’t ask Cartman, though. Wendy would probably eat her own arm rather than spend a day with that fatass”. 

Kyle laughed, and the two of them started chatting as they had done for the past oh-so years. It didn’t feel all that different, despite all those miles separating them, and Kyle wondered how he managed to get used to being without his best friend so fast. 

In the beginning, Kyle truly believed he was going to feel alone without Stan around and he was grateful that someone out there had seen how stupid that thought was and had managed to make him change his mind.

“Hey, Kyle, why the dopey look?” Stan had asked at some point in their conversation when they started talking about the rest of the guys, but Kyle just shrugged the question off. It was too soon to say, anyway. 

When Kenny climbed up the stairs to his room some time later, Kyle turned around in his office chair to face him with his heart beating fast in anticipation. The blond was a little out of breath, his cheeks were red from the exertion, and Kyle couldn’t really pinpoint why he didn’t mind when Kenny ungracefully plopped down on his bed, messing up the neatly tucked covers. 

“Man, City Wok is really a shitty place to work in,” Kenny complained. “If it wasn’t for the money, I would probably shove his shitty chicken up his shitty ass”. 

“Come on, it’s only temporary,” Kyle said standing up. Kenny rolled his eyes to the ceiling. 

“Easy for you to say,” Kenny said. “You don’t need to do the things that I do”. 

“You know I will always be there to help,” Kyle said, and Kenny studied his face under half-lidded eyelids. 

“What?” Kenny asked, raising an eyebrow. “You mean like scrubbing the floors with me, or helping me let off some steam after a long day of work? I certainly don’t mind the latter”. 

Kyle laughed. 

“If you wish,” Kyle said enigmatically, and Kenny’s eyes rose impossibly high. 

“Okay, something’s up,” Kenny said, “and I’m not talking about my libido”. 

Kyle gazed at him for a long moment completely in silence, and a soft smile graced his features when Kenny stood up from the bed and walked to the other boy in just two strides. The blond boy cupped Kyle’s face as if to check his temperature, and the redhead fought hard against the sudden urge to lean into the touch. 

“You okay, Kyle?” Kenny asked, voice strangely serious, and Kyle felt like grinning. Nevertheless, he told himself to stay calm. 

“Can you help me out with something?” Kyle asked. 

“Sure,” Kenny promptly agreed. 

“I want to check something out,” Kyle explained. Under any other circumstance, Kyle would have felt embarrassed to utter the next words, but not this time. On the contrary, his heart overflowed with self-reliant hope when he said: “Kiss me”. 

“What?” 

“Just do it,” Kyle ordered, and Kenny stopped wasting time and complied. When Kenny pressed his lips to his, Kyle felt the corners of his mouth stretch upwards. His heart did a flip in his chest, and when Kenny unconsciously deepened the kiss, Kyle sighed against the other’s lips in appreciation. 

“Okay, thanks,” Kyle said when they pulled apart. 

“Thanks?” Kenny asked with a snort, and Kyle just shrugged. “Since when do people thank after being kissed?”

“Well, I was raised to be well-mannered, you dumbass, and since I asked you a favor-!”

Kenny burst out laughing and unexpectedly pulled him into a hug, shaking his head as if he couldn’t believe what he had just heard. His joy was contagious, and Kyle laughed along, pressing his face in the crook of Kenny’s shoulder. 

“Anything else I can do for you?” Kenny asked, half teasing. 

“Come to San Diego with me,” Kyle said, not missing a beat, and pushed himself away from Kenny to look at him head on. “Stan wants us to visit him. He’s having too much fun without us there, dude, and it’s not fair”. 

“Well, we are having fun without him too, don’t we?” Kenny asked, softly stroking a strand of hair out of Kyle’s eyes. 

“We do, but you need to rest a little bit,” Kyle said, serious. “The town can survive without you for a couple of days, and I want you with me”. 

“Okay, I think I owe you that much, babe,” Kenny said, and Kyle smirked. 

He wondered when Mysterion was going to climb up his bedroom window again and tell him he needs some kind of distraction. Be that as it may, Kyle would be ready. 


End file.
